写作原文
What a thought-provoking picture. (!)In the picture, although setting(sitting) on(改为around，用on意为“坐在桌子上”) the same table for dinner, people are completely absorbed in their mobile phones, and they are communicating with others through QQ, playing games and purchasing in the online shop(汉式思维，改为shopping online).Undoubtedly, the drawer(painter，drawer是“抽屉”) of the cartoon reveals a common phenomenon that mobile phones in our life is becoming so important that people generate the increasingly serious emotions of dependence on it. (首先，可以直接用the cartoon reveals…;其次，so important that后面的句子语法错误，语句不通。可改为：the cartoon reveals a common phenomenon that mobile phones are playing a more and more important role that people can’t live without them.)Various reasons result in the problem. On one hand, with the Price of cell phones declining(语序错误，with the declining of cell phones’ price), the majority of people have (加the) ability to purchase mobiles phones. For example, everyone in China possess(单三，加es)a phone. On the other hand, with the development of technology, the function of mobile phone is becoming very strong(中式思维，改为powerful), and more and more people are fascinated with its diversion(应为“消遣功能”，加function) .And above all, modern people are always too boring and exhausted, and they need somethings(something)such as cell phones to relieve pressure. Ultimately, many people are becoming salves(slaves，salve是“药膏”) of phones.In my opinion, mobile phones are making people in hazard(用在这里不合适，夸大了手机对人们造成的影响。可改为mobile phones are harmful to people in some respects). People always waste lots of time on mobile phones, which can not only impact the health of people but also make people ignore the real reality. Therefore, people must learn to develop the awareness of using mobiles properly.
总体点评
文章立意正确，内容切题，结构完整，需要以下问题：1、文章的内容虽然切题，但力度不够，反映到文章中即分析原因不够深入。比如，“由于手机价钱下降，很多人有能力购买手机”——是什么造成了手机价钱下降?“现代人经常感到无聊和疲惫，所以用手机来释放压力”——为什么现代人会无聊和疲惫?2、文章观点正确，但有一点考虑不够全面。如文章一直在强调手机对人们带来的不好影响，但忽视了手机给人们带来的好处。手机除了“辐射”是自身的缺陷之外，它本质是对人有利的，焦点在于“人们应该适度有效利用手机”。3、文章有拼写错误，有的已经影响了表达，如salves(slaves)。写完之后需仔细检查。4、文章有语法错误，如everyone后一般现在时应使用动词的单三形式，需加强自己的语法基础;5、文章有的地方是中式思维，不够地道，如“sit on the table”，需多背诵模仿一些经典佳句，使表达更加精准。加油，祝您考研成功!!!
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