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写作原文
①Looking at this thought-provoking picture(加“which was”,其中which引导定语从句，修饰picture;was和后面的depicted构成被动语态) symbolically depicted by the drawer, I do realize the urgency to improve the moral standards nowadays. ②A pregnant woman, an old man and his little granddaughter stands(“stands”改为“stand”，该句主语为复数，主谓应保持一致)on the crowded bus, looking at a young man who sits in the seat comfortably with a piece of black cloth covering his eyes, puzzled and indignant(“puzzled and indignant”是用来修饰the yong man, 或是作者“感到困惑和愤怒”，应表达清晰;若要表达作者的情感，可改为：...covering his eyes. I feel puzzled and indignant).①The temporary blind in the picture indicates a serious phenomenon in the modern society that some young people are suffering from moral decline. ②The reasons contributing to moral decline are worth pondering. ③First, respecting the old and caring the young is abandoned by some modern people, because they only care about their own benefits. ④Only if you could provide them with a great outcome(“a great outcome”改为“great outcomes”，和them保持一致), will they lend you a hand(“a hand”改为“hands”，和they保持一致) in exchange. ⑤In addition, the educational system is also to blame(“be to blame for”意为“对……应负责任;应该为某事负责任”，如果要表述“教育体制也应对此负责”，可表达为： the educational system is also to blame for the phenomenon;如若要表述“教育体制也应受到责备”，可表达为the educational system should also to be blamed). ⑥It emphasizes more on high marks at the expense of having few time to teach traditional moral values in school which leads to people’s defect (“defect”为可数名词，此处应改为“defects”和people保持一致)on this issue.①It is high time that we fostered our moral values. ②For one thing, schools and governments should play an active role (“an active role”应改为“active roles”，前后主谓保持一致，主语为schools and governments)in advocating moral values and traditional virtues to teach the young. ③For another, individuals should learn more about virtues and help people around with a warm heart(“a warm heart”改为“ warm hearts”,前后单复数保持一致). ④Only through our joint effort(“effort”应改为“efforts”,前后单复数保持一致), could we recollect the virtues.
原作点评
第一段描述图画的内容。第①句，picture应该是被drawer描绘的，所以应该用被动语态“be+动词的过去的、分词”来表示;第②句最后，表达不够清晰，应注意。第二段揭示图画的寓意，阐述产生此现象的几个原因。应注意单复数问题。第三段结合前两段的阐述，提出建议。
总体点评
文章亮点：文章结构完整，每个段落的功能基本得以体现。文章错误：①语法错误：文章出现了一些语法错误，比如被动语态、名词单复数形式等。②句法错误：有的句子表达不够清楚。比如第一段第②句，第二段第⑤句。修改意见：文章整体结构不错，但是要注意一些细节，避免不必要的错误。本文中，单复数一致问题较多，希望作者在完成习作时应多检查，尽量减少此类错误。
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