作为出国之路网站的管理者，我有机会阅读每一篇由受过哈佛教育的专业编辑和出国之路聘请的专业编辑修改过的留学申请文章。在感觉受益匪浅的同时，也对中国申请者的英文写作水平将会对美国大学评审委员会造成的困扰和误解深感担忧。
我们的文书编辑客户包括清华、同济、东南和天大等院校的高材生，也有相当一部分是已经走上工作岗位的社会精英，不少在外企担任重要职务，他们接受了多年正统的英语教育，写出的文章按理说应该是非常具有说服力的，至少应该没有修辞、语法和写作方面的错误了。答案是：否！本篇文章和以后的续篇中的例子都是从客户的文章中摘取的句子，当你阅读了以后，也会和我有同样的感想。
值得庆幸的是，许多申请者已经意识到了这方面的缺憾，因此求助于各种编辑服务，使自己的申请文章力争达到尽善尽美，脱颖而出。
（1）
原句：In the school, Miss Li always been an inspiring source of help and support for me and others throughout the years.
编辑分析： “always been” Incorrect tense or missing word. “throughout the years” Flows better at the beginning of the sentence. “me and others” Reads awkwardly.
改正后：Throughout the years, Miss Li has always provided an invaluable source of assistance and support to many, including myself.
（2）
原句： Miss Li is not only a mechanical teacher but also in charge of computer lab.
编辑分析： “is not only” Limit the use of the weak ‘to be’ verbs. “mechanical teacher” Can this more specific? “in charge of” Directs.
改正后：Miss Li not only teaches mechanics, but also directs the computer lab.
（3）
原句：Although her work is numerous, she tackled every task, no matter how trivial or monotonous, with great patience and meticulous care. But, with her creative mind, she was never content with merely doing her job, either.
编辑分析：“is numerous” Awkward. “But, with her…” Awkward transition. ‘But’ does not work well at the beginning of the sentence here.
改正后：In spite of an immense workload, she tackled every task, no matter how trivial or monotonous, with great patience and meticulous care. Moreover, driven by her creative mind, she never settled with merely completion of her job.
（4）
原句：Once the problems came in, she thought them from unique angles and put forward many good ideas to solve them.
编辑分析：“put forward” Better word…presented…suggested…
改正后：Once aware of the problems, she attacked them from unique angles and presented many practical and novel solutions.
（5）
原句：Facing the conflict between the shorthand of the school and TOEFL, she chose to instruct her students to finish the courses of Mechanical CAD.
编辑分析：“Facing the conflict…” This sentence is somewhat unclear, especially upon the first reading. I have attempted to clarify the situation.
改正后：Facing a conflict between the need to take on extra responsibilities to alleviate a shortage of teachers at the school and preparing for the TOEFL, she chose to instruct students in courses of Mechanical CAD.
（6）
原句： It is evident that burden of work effected her preparation for TOEFL, because she got GRE 2100 under less pressure from work.
编辑分析： “It is evident” I have rephrased for clarity and improved flow. “effected” affected.
改正后：That burden of increased work negatively affected her preparation for TOEFL, as demonstrated by her significantly better score on the GRE when she faced less pressure from work.
（7）
原句：When she decided to leave us, although I, as director of this school, hate to let her go, I would like to renew my support for her today, as she sets her eyes on still grander horizons.
编辑分析： “I, as director…” I is unnecessary and confuses the sentence.
改正后：When she decided to leave us, though as director of this school I hate to see her go, I offered my full support. I would like to renew my support for her today, as she sets her eyes on still grander horizons.
（8）
原句：I dearly hope that you will consider his application favorably.
编辑分析： “dearly hope” sincerely. “consider his application” her application. You have referred to the recommended teacher as ‘she’ and ‘miss’ throughout.
改正后：I sincerely hope that you will consider her application favorably and am confident you will be enlightened by her talents at your school.
总体评论：
千疮百孔的英文，语法错误、用词不当、句子结构不恰当，都可以分散阅读者的注意力，给阅读者造成误解，无法看懂你究竟要说什么。要知道评审委员要阅读上百份申请材料，你的错误可能使他（她）丧失对你的兴趣和信心。
在申请文书写作中应当注意：
使用正确的英语写作
要坚持使用明确、直接和具体的表达方式
删除不必要的词汇和语句
坚持使用主动语态
避免柔和、无色彩、犹豫和不果断的语言。
语法错误经过反复的阅读是可以更正的，但是用词不当和句子结构不恰当的毛病改正起来则比较困难，对于英语不是母语的人士来说，需要长期艰苦的磨练。在以后的篇章里，将继续分析片语使用、选词、句子结构和篇章开头结尾方面的错误。
